“6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7 And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. 8 Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” Philippians 4:6-8 (NIV)
You have been more loyal to me than my husband ever was. You’re never too far from sight and you always seem to appear when I am going through the most trying times. Anxiety and Depression, you have stuck with me no matter how hard I have tried to make you leave and you know all the right things to do and say to influence my decisions. You two drop in unannounced and even when I am unable to count on anyone in my life, I know you’ll be there. You’ve never called or text to say you’re are on the way, and in some of the best times of my life, you just showed up. Our relationship hasn’t always been one-sided though. I have given in to you and lost pound after pound. I have stayed up all night with you. I have called into work and broken social engagements to be alone with you. I have listened to all your favorite songs and watched all you favorite movies, no matter how sad they made me. There have even been times I wouldn’t shower or even get out of bed for you. Many long nights we have kept each other company and although you have always been there, I know you have not been honest with me. You told me I’m worthless, you told me I couldn’t do “it” when I really believed I could. You kept me from enjoying so many days of my life with the lies you told. You told me I wasn’t smart enough, thin enough. You told me my husband doesn’t want me because I’m just not a very good person. You even told me that his affairs were my fault! You were the reason I lost all those jobs, you were the reason I was kicked out of my house, you were the reason I missed my aunts funeral. You make my palms sweaty, my head spin and my stomach ache. You wake me up with nightmares and keep me from leaving the house.
I know we have had a long relationship and albeit I have created plenty of reasons for you to remain, it is time to end it. I am breaking-up with my fears and blocking my doubt. I am shutting the door on the face of tight chested, hard to breathe nights and racing thought kind of days. While you both have been the only thing in my life that has ever remained consistent, I am packing your bags and leaving them outside. I don’t need you anymore. You have been my “excuse” for far too long. You see, I realized all the things you said were lies when I discovered who I am in Christ. I may not be smart enough, or thin enough, or even experienced enough for you, but God says he will equip me for every situation he plans for me. He says I am not worthless or stupid, He says I am valuable and worth loving. I mean, He put his own son to death for me! He hasn’t put any restrictions on his love for me and he has forgiven and forgotten all my sins. He has promised that not only will he never remind me of the wrong I’ve done, but he has cast those memories so far away that I could walk a million miles and still never get close to bringing them back!
I know it may be uncomfortable at first, I mean we have been together my entire life. I expect that this may be hard for you and you’re going to want to come visit from time to time. But you should know that God has placed a hedge of protection around me and even if I hear you knocking, He has promised to give me strength and courage to keep the door locked on you. I don’t know where you’re going to go, and frankly, I don’t care. I know who I am and I know God has a plan for me. So it is with a joyful heart that I bid you adieu and beg you never to return, for I am worthy, I am lovable, I am good enough. I am the Daughter of a King.
Me ~ Recover in Grace