My Stand (Pt.1) – That Night

The Armor of God

The pressure was on to wrap-up the assignment with a deadline looming. Down to the last hours to put an entire semester worth of research and study into a well formatted and knowledgeable exegetic work of art. All the hours spent pouring over scripture, revisiting my concordance, scrutinizing commentary while carefully verifying sources, editing draft after draft, came down to the final submission of a sixteen-page interpretation of an assigned section of Ephesians.

Anxiety wrapped me like thick dark smoke that fills a room from scorched grease left on a high flame. Hard to breathe, difficult to see. I’ve managed final papers with ease numerous times before. This time was different. Even I was amazed at my ability to carry on my day-to-day duties, responsibilities and routines while carefully covering any trace of the hell we were living. The alarms were blaring and I heard them, but turned a deaf ear. I’d gotten used to blocking out things that were hard to deal with.

Like the noise from the TV volume intended to disrupt my concentration while I read chapter after chapter of assigned text he said was a “useless, stupid waste of time”. Like the belittling remarks thrown at me like darts that I pretended had no effect. The burning sensation of absolute disgust as his whiskey-induced comatose body pressed against me at night.  I desperately tried to ignore the belligerence going on just outside the bedroom door for so many nights in a row. The hostility projected towards me was undeniable and his disdain slathered me like Vaseline. I just kept willing it away, hoping it would subside, not grow momentum. I painstakingly guarded the rage that was bubbling up inside me and I heaped scripture and verse on top of it. I prayed until my legs went numb. In my secret moments, I cried out to God and begged for courage, for peace, for wisdom, for an end to the torment. Continue reading

Let My Roots Take Hold

“The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9 (NIV)

For many weeks I have endured a constant barrage of attacks and have been devout in my commitment to remain IN the Holy Spirit and use these situations and circumstances to bring honor and glory to God by manifesting his grace through my actions and my attitudes. I haven’t always found the words to articulate my yearnings to God, but Romans 8:26 says that in my times of grief and sorrow, my “wordless groans”  are interpreted by the Holy Spirit and conveyed to God on my behalf.

“In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us through wordless groans” Romans 8:26 (NIV)

Throughout this ordeal I have been overcome with a sense of peace that has cushioned my pain and lessened it’s powerful blow. But last night it was there. In the dark, alone with me. It banged on my heart like a strongman with a jackhammer. It was surreal, I could feel every hit and it sent tremors through my body and triggered thoughts of “what if”, “why” and “how”.
In those moments I wasn’t able, or maybe on some level, willing to release the pain and submit to Gods promise of peace. I suffered all the night long with tormenting thoughts about how I am not “enough” and I will never make it out in the world without my husband. I replayed over and over again his harsh words and relived again and again the awestruck moment I realized he wanted out. The suffering was relentless and Continue reading